©Jenny Harrod 2019

Ups and Downs

Well what a week it has been. It started really well when hubby and I set forth on an expedition to climb the "peak" on the Island known as Tennyson Down. I put on my sturdiest boots and took both my hiking poles, not too sure that I would be able to manage even half of the distance. We chose a fine day with a gentle breeze as I knew that I would end up dripping with sweat (I suspect it is my massive bulk and lack of hormones rather than me suffering a stroke or heart attack - as a Nurse I think I would be able to diagnose those conditions if I had them!)

We drove to Freshwater Bay and set off up the steep slope at the start of the climb. Stopping for breath every so often allowed us to observe the views which became increasingly beautiful. About a third of the way up there was a bench so we stopped for a while before continuing to the next bench about half a mile further on. We saw some buzzards flying here, circling overhead against the deep blue sky. Another half a mile and we reached the top and the Tennyson memorial monument where the great poet often sought peace and solitude to produce his famous works. Little chance of peace and solitude now as the Downs form one of the 20 most popular attractions in the South of England, and there was a steady stream of walkers joining us to read the inscription and marvel at the newly placed monument in memory of the 200th anniversary of his birth.

How quickly things change. I was elated at the top of Tennyson Down following the mile and a half climb to get there,not far if you are fit, but with MS and obesity it was no mean achievement. We watched 3 buzzards soaring overhead whilst we were there seemingly without a care in the world, and I was totally in awe of their beauty and grace, I would love to have been flying amongst them. But the next couple of days I was back down in the depths of despair again.

My Nursing Registration renewal papers came through which once again brought home the hopelessness of it all. No one wants a Nurse who can't stand, lift of perform fine dextrous tasks like dressings or taking blood. I can't do any of these, my back injury and MS have robbed me of the career I loved since I started my training 30 years ago this week. I have to confirm I have Practiced as a Nurse for 450 hours in the last 4 years and that my health is of a suitable standard to continue as a Nurse. I will be able to renew this year as I left my most recent job in April 2008 just before we moved to the Island and will have done 450 hours in the 2 1/2 years prior to that, and healthwise I would still be able to perform the Nursing duties I could do then so I think I could still sign the health declaration too. I also have to pay the Nursing and Midwifery Council £80 for the privilege of staying on the register!! Trouble is trying to find another employer willing to see my abilities not just disabilities is proving impossible. I truly believe my career is slowly slipping away and I'm helpless to stop it, I have a deep inbuilt need to care, and having been denied a family, and now a career, have no way of projecting this. I spent most of 2 days in tears.

This was worsened by the anxiety of a trip to the mainland we have coming up shortly. This involves a drive on 3 motorways including the M25 (we do share the driving because we both find it stressful) to Norfolk where we will be staying in my parents caravan. I am looking forward to seeing my parents but the major fly in the ointment is my (younger) sister who hates me. She is totally opposite to me, aggressive and spiteful. I made the mistake of pointing out her misgivings on a social network site and she has blanked me ever since, saying I should delete her email address. She even accused me of living in my own "compassionate sympathetic little world" I am a Nurse what does she expect? The family are all scared of her snappy misdemeanor as she bears grudges forever. I am so scared of bumping into her as I don't want to burst into tears in front of her. I think she has turned her daughters against me now too, despite the fact that I was the only one to support the eldest one when she was pregnant, where as her Mum said "If I can do anything to make her get rid of it I will!" No empathy there then, doesn't care that I would have loved to be a Mother, never thought of offering to be a surrogate, unlike Mum who was in her 60's and Diabetic (no I couldn't take her up on that and risk her health) Why am I so upset by her callousness? How can two sisters be so different? Now she is a Grandma (something else I will never be!) she takes every opportunity to rub it in - I'm crying again now. I know that if it wasn't for my husband (who she accused me of treating like a slave, believing the confused understandings about MS of a 10 year old!) I wouldn't be on this planet now. I am not yet 50 but really feel there is nothing to go on for. Sorry this has been so long and thank you for reading this far but I usually find writing helps. Another day tomorrow, lets hope I feel better then, there's only so many mountains I can climb!

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