It was our anniversary on Friday. No, not our wedding anniversary but two years since we moved to the Isle of Wight. It certainly doesn't seem two years ago that we went through all the stress of putting our last house on the market at a time when house prices were begining to slide downwards and we were entering this recession. Amazingly the second people that viewed our Suffolk property put in an offer (for what we hoped to get and not what it was on the market for - smart eh?) But then there was the stress of having to meet the costs of dealing with the issues that the buyers survey discovered - damp in some of the walls which needed replastering and woodworm, what ? woodworm, where ? Apparently the surveyer found one, yes one hole on a beam in the loft and a couple in the floorboards in one of the bedrooms. That cost us £300 to have treated the day before we were due to complete and the plaster was still damp too. So with all our wordly goods in a storage unit and sleeping on a mattress in a room with bare floorboards and the air still damp with insecticide, the home we had shared for 15 years no longer felt homely and comforting and we yearned for the start of our new life over the sea.
The next day after yet more stress - loading the car, meeting the removals van at the storage unit, driving around the infamous M25 and catching the Red Funnel ferry we eventually disembarked as "overners" we had moved to live here, and were no longer "grockles" - the Islanders word for holidaymakers. Of course we then had the wait to complete and to be able to pick up the keys from the Estate Agent. This seemed to take an age and after a coule of hours we sat in the car at Sandown (I was crying as per usual) looking across the downs as the sunshine appeared from the clouds. As it did so there was a rainbow - I love rainbows and see them as a symbol of hope. I was sure that our new bungalow was at the end of that one, and sure enough the mobile rang and we had completed and could pick up the keys. We got to the bungalow to find the removals van had been there for half an hour already. We were home, our new home in a place we loved.
All that was 2 years ago and although we have no regrets about moving here and I would rather have to suffer my depression and MS here than anywhere else, a lot has happened. I have actually managed to get a job, even if I am frequently belittled and having it made clear that my Nursing qualification means nothing now and is not a recognized part of my job so I cannot advise anyone on health matters (although you do have to have clinical knowledge to summarize patients notes which is part of my role!) I have a posh title though Clinical Governance Administrator (Audit Clerk for short) I REALLY wanted to get back into Nursing as those of you that follow me here and onTwitter/Facebook know. I don't think I will EVER get over the fact that Multiple Sclerosis affected my hands and fingers to an extent that meant I couldn't perform the tasks needed for my previous job as a Practice Nurse. MS can directly cause depression due to damage to the parts of the brain affecting emotion. This makes it a little more bearable as I have something to blame but it doesn't help when I am in the depths of despair and feeling worthless and useless as a Nurse and a woman.
It is difficult to think of coping strategies for the childlessness and grandchildlessness - although I do have my ongoing fight to increase awareness of the Government and media's desire to reintroduce the wildlife terrorism and murder that they call sport. I see my visiting foxes and badgers as my children and just watching them is better than any anti-depressants the doctors have given me.
Just after my last blog post I signed up for the Psywell Study through NHS choices. I am finding this useful as my own GP hasn't at any point considered sending me for CBT and I have often wondered if it would help. It isn't a study specifically for people with depression but if you are it might help you too. It works on the Mind Gym cCBT principle of WYTIWYF - "what you think is what you feel" If you think you are clinically depressed though and haven't seen your GP yet, by all means do the study but it does recommend that you do see a Healthcare Professional too.
I am actually feeling much better, am relishing some quality "me time" and have decided that although I am not 100% happy in my current job, at least it shows that I want to work and I am more likely to find something with more hands on Nursing if I can show that was prepared to take something in a medical setting and am keeping my Professional knowledge up to date in my own time. I am once again looking out for suitable Nursing jobs but shhhhhh don't tell my current employers!
Maybe what I need is another Rainbow
Jen -x-x-x-
